Sunday, December 13, 2009

Break. down.

Today was normal, fine, then it started. The break.down.

It was a beautiful day, I had a visit from my two favorite people, and we even took a wheelchair ride to enjoy the sunshine that's been hiding for the last few days. It was a great morning!!

I was scheduled to have my 2nd steroid shot today, I knew it was coming. No big deal. The first one didn't hurt a bit. It was administered the day I arrived in the hospital to give our little one a boost in lung development before a possible 17 week early delivery. The L&D nurse warned me that it burned, gave the shot, and I didn't feel a thing. Before, during, or after. The "booster" a day later didn't phase me either. I wasn't complaining!

4:00 this afternoon, the steroid shot comes. This one goes in the hip. I was problem on the last one--and BAM! It hurt like a son of a bitch! I'm pretty tough as far as shots go and usually they don't bother me a bit. I'm laying here on my side, getting a shot in the hip, and tears start welling up. Talking with my nurse, facing the other way, my eyes well up with tears. Keep talking, have some water, but that didn't help--they start falling. WHAT? I surprised myself. I didn't want my sweet nurse to think that she hurt me or did anything wrong. I tried to make it stop, but it was too late. My problem has always been...once I start crying, I can't stop. And no, I don't need to see a counselor, thankyouverymuch. (Note to self: a steroid addiction is not in the cards for me.)

Maybe just maybe:
I want to go home.
I'm ready to move on to the next chapter.
I want to spend the night in my home, with my husband and my son.
I want to see my Christmas tree (that I didn't decorate).
I want to have more than 10 minutes of fresh air a week.
I want to go to work and teach my kids and see my friends there.

I want to drive around and see Christmas lights, drinking hot chocolate with my family.
I want to do laundry (did I just say that?).
I want to have a meal outside of these 4 walls.
I want to do things myself.

I want to hear Christmas music other than on hold while ordering a meal.
I want to hear "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
I want to kiss my puppy.

I want to read Riley a Christmas book at bedtime.
I want to cook a meal for my boys (with vegetables).
I want to wrap a Christmas gift (or ten).
I want to find Jingle's new spot for the day (our Elf on the Shelf).
I want to kiss Riley goodnight...and pick out what he wears in the morning.
I want to see the new computer we bought 3 months ago that arrived right after I was admitted.
I want to be there when we buy the bicycle and helmet that Riley wants for Christmas.
I want a margarita (and boy do I need one).
I want my husband and son to not "visit." I don't like to watch them walk out the door.
I want to fix my own plate, warm up my own leftovers.

I want to see, spend time in, be a part of the nursery for our baby.
I want to inconvenience myself and not those around me.
I want to go to Sonic and order my own iced tea.
I want to go to the grocery store.
I want to order from a menu that I haven't ordered from for the last 65 days.
I want to get dressed.
I want to feel like I'm not missing out on my son growning up right before my eyes. get the idea, right?

I think I've figured out that December 21st is the day I've been looking forward to and dreading at the same time. It's going to be a wonderful day!! For me though, , it makes me anxious knowing that this delivery is scheduled. With Riley, it just happened. I didn't know he was coming that day. I didn't have days to focus on it with no real distractions.

It's becoming an obsession of sorts right now and it's emotional. That's the day we'll have our latest miracle. I'm worrying about delivery, baby's health, NICU, etc. We will have made it through this hospital bedrest journey only to begin a new one with a premature baby. So many questions unanswered at this point. I'm hoping and praying for a fat little thing who can breathe, eat, and regulate his/her own body temperature. Only time will tell.

It wasn't the shot, it's the anxiety. Temporary break. down. Now if I can just make it through the night without anyone wanting to talk about it (and start these all over again), tomorrow is a new day! Tomorrow is 33 weeks and 1 day. Tomorrow is one week until our family is complete.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Missy, I've thought of you every day, and I start praying at Nameless Road on my way to work. You're always in my prayers.

I am so in awe of what you're doing. You didn't even know that you were going into the "Biosphere." Astonauts are test before they go into closed quarters and you had no idea of what was ahead of you.

You are amazing! You are a hero of many pregnant friends as well as a mother of twins that I know.

Hang in there, Friend, and please know that we're praying for you and your family. I'm absolutely astounded by what you're living and your day by day activities.

You and your sweet baby are going to make it!


tina said...

Gulp. I know it's hard. I can't say that I "know" what you are going through, becuase I do not, but I do know that it is hard and you have been extremely brave every NOT day, but every minute, every second. I could not have hero'd through like you have...there is NO doubt in my mind. ONE WEEK. The hardest of your life so far, I am sure. Anxious has GOT to be normal in your world right now. Praying for your peaceful mind, praying for your power and will for one more week and for the preemie that will be here, praying for your strength to go home when it will be hard to stay, but also hard to go, praying that your home life returns to semi-normal in just a little bit more time, praying that you KNOW that you are not a burden on are a treasure and one that we are all glad to have in our lives.

I love you Miss Lissa.

rachael... said...

Hang in there honey! Just one more week! Love you.

sunshine said...

Oh Honey! You can't post that and expect not to talk about it! I love you and I'm so, so sorry. You've amazed me with your strength and attitude daily. You are entitled to a breakdown, for sure! (More than one would be totally understood)! Love you galore!

Becca said...

I am so sorry you're having a tough time. Anyone in your shoes would be having a tough time!

I think of you and your family often--what a miracle it is that the baby has continued to thrive, marveling at your dedication and all that you've had to give up to ensure the baby's safe arrival, how cooped up you must be feeling.

It will be better soon--the 21st! I'll be thinking fat-baby thoughts for you.

mbc said...

Thank you all so much. Your support is getting me from one day to the next right now. Today was a better day, just like I expected!

I appreciate all of your comments, thanks so much! Now if I could just read them without crying...